Undertow
by Katt9966
Summary: This is going to be a series of slash fic. Each story will be grounded in an episode from the show, beginning with series 1 and moving on through each series.
1. Default Chapter

Title: - The Way These Things Begin

Author: - Katt

Rating: - R

Pairing: - Vic/Dutch

Series: - Undertow – Part 1/?

Feedback: - Like it or loathe it let me know

Archive: - Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive

Disclaimers: - I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX. The song "Caramel" was written and performed by Suzanne Vega.

Author's Notes: - This is going to be a series of slash fic, which will all be song fic too. Each story will be grounded in an episode from the show, beginning with series 1 and moving on through each series. This series is a gift for Whipper. It's a multi-functional gift – a part-Christmas gift, a part-going away gift, but mostly it's a you're one of my dearest friends so I really don't need an excuse to give you a gift kinda gift – and I always think they're the best kind to give.

The Way These Things Begin – "Pilot"

"It won't do to dream of caramel,

To think of cinnamon and long for you.

It won't do to stir a deep desire,

To fan a hidden fire that can never burn true."

Sweet, the rich taste of caramel with a swirl of cinnamon, and maybe a little bitter sting of coffee underneath. That's what Dutch would taste like Vic had decided. His mouth, his skin, that's what they'd taste like on Vic's tongue. Over the past four months Vic had found himself considering the question of what Detective Holland Wagenbach would taste like more and more. He'd thought about lots of combinations – chocolate and mint, apple and vanilla… But none of them had seemed quite right until he'd hit upon caramel and cinnamon. Now of course he was stuck with wanting to see if he was right.

Late at night, with Corrine snoring softly next to him in bed, he would lie awake staring up at the ceiling wondering what Dutch's skin would taste like under his tongue. He'd think about licking his way up Dutch's throat, nuzzling the skin under his ear. Licking and nibbling the soft skin of Dutch's inner thigh on up towards his balls. At about that point Vic would usually reach down under the covers and begin to stroke himself, lost in a fantasy that he knew could never become a reality. The hard, silky glide of his mouth on Dutch's erection. His thumb would spread his pre-cum down over his own length as he'd imagine lapping at the head of Dutch's cock, making his fantasy partner squirm, and moan, and call his name. Tasting caramel and cinnamon.

"I know your name,

I know your skin,

I know the way these things begin;

But I don't know how I'd live with myself,

What I'd forgive of myself if you don't go.

So goodbye,

Sweet appetite,

No single bite could satisfy…"

Vic frowned as he noticed Dutch making a beeline for the break room, a flare of jealousy coursing through him. For a second he thought it was jealousy cause Dutch was hitting on Danny, and she was his, but no, it was the thought of Dutch with somebody else, somebody who wasn't him, that was making Vic feel as if he had fire-ants crawling under his skin. Time to put a stop to Dutch's awkward chatting up technique. Knowing the perfect partner in crime Vic tapped Shane's shoulder, and knowing he'd follow wherever Vic led, Vic strolled into the break room.

It was too easy, with Dutch it was always too easy, the guy had "victim" printed across his forehead, God knows what his life must have been like at high-school. Everyone had heard about the grieving relative at Dutch and Wym's murder. Vic couldn't resist teasing him about the dead girl's sister blowing him at the crime scene. Dutch's faltering smile stabbed into Vic's heart, the growing panic Vic could see in his eyes confirming his theory that Dutch was accustomed to being bullied and teased. Dutch's discomfort grew, embarrassed in front of Danny. Vic knew he was being cruel, he could see that knowledge reflected on Danny's face. Still he didn't stop though. Part of him wanted to, but another part wanted to make sure there was a safe barrier between him and Dutch. Part of him wanted to reach out, to touch…to taste, but he was afraid that Dutch might be addictive.

Vic could hear his voice, hear the amused tone it held as he teased Dutch,

"…different signs of grief. Denial, anger, sucking you off."

Even as he said it Vic could taste caramel and cinnamon on his tongue.

"I know your name,

I know your skin,

I know the way these things begin;

But I don't know what I would give of myself,

How I would live with myself if you don't go.

It won't do to dream of caramel,

To think of cinnamon and long for you."


	2. See Straight Through Me

Title- See Straight Through Me

Author- Katt

Rating- R

Pairing- Vic/Dutch

Series- Undertow – Part 2?

Feedback- Like it or loathe it let me know

Archive- Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive

Disclaimers- I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX. The song "Shiver" is performed by "Coldplay" and was written by Berryman/Buckland/Champion/Martin.

See Straight Through Me – "Our Gang"

"So I look in your direction

But you pay me no attention do you

I know you don't listen to me

Cause you say you see straight through me don't you

But on and on, from the moment I wake

Till the moment I sleep

I'll be there by your side

Just you try and stop me

I'll be waiting in line

Just to see if you care

Did you want me to change

Well I changed for good

And I want you to know

That you'll always get your way

I wanted to say

Don't you shiver

Shiver

Sing it loud and clear

I'll always be waiting for you."

Confusion – it seemed that everything in Dutch's life at the moment was confused. His feelings, his emotions, his thoughts, all of them a maelstrom. Random thoughts, that would make him blush, would enter his head at the most inappropriate times. Vivid dreams would disturb his sleep leaving him panting, with the evidence of his guilty secret drying on his groin. He'd never experienced anything like this before. Well, that wasn't strictly true, he'd had crushes before, and not just over women either, but he'd never experienced anything so intense. What the Hell was it about Vic Mackey that meant he was having wet dreams like an over-hormonal teenager?

Of course Vic didn't even know he existed. Well, that wasn't strictly true, he was vaguely aware of Dutch's presence, but he totally dismissed him. Dutch wasn't sure which was worse. At least if Vic just didn't notice him he could still hold out some hope, but Vic had made his disdain for him perfectly clear earlier today in the interrogation room,

"Those of us who venture out past our desks sometimes get shot at."

"Who should I have had watching our backs – you? I'd hate to have to change your diaper afterwards."

It was pretty obvious that Vic didn't think very much of him as a cop, or a man. Mind you according to Captain Aceveda, Vic wasn't alone in his opinion. Christ, what could he do to get a little God damned respect? Maybe he should consider changing his style, becoming more pro-active, more…more what? More like Mackey and his men. Yeah, maybe if he kicked down a few doors, and knocked some heads together, maybe then Vic would invite him onto the Strike Team, maybe Vic would show him some respect, maybe Vic would want to fuck him.

Not in this lifetime, Dutch thought to himself bitterly. Besides maybe it was better if he steered clear of Vic. Vic Mackey was trouble. Always walking the edge, bending the rules, but not quite breaking them. That kind of trouble Dutch could do without. Then there was the whole question of Detective Crowley's death. That was just plain fucked up. He wasn't sure what Aceveda was trying to prove, but surely he couldn't possibly think Mackey had a hand in Crowley's death? Surely he couldn't believe Vic had pulled the trigger himself? Dutch turned that idea over in his mind. The idea that Vic could've killed a fellow cop. No, no it was too much, too ridiculous. Aceveda just had it in for Vic because he refused to show him any respect – Vic's _"not even on Cinco de Mayo" _comment had already gone down in Barn legend.

Yep, the sensible thing would be to push Vic Mackey from his mind, concentrate on Danny perhaps. Then again he'd watched Vic and Danny talking in the break room today. He'd watched as Danny had touched Vic's shoulder, and it wasn't that he'd wished Danny was touching him like that, it had been the thought of his fingers trailing down over that muscled shoulder that, even now, made him shiver and left him half hard.

So instead of fighting it maybe he should just take the easy path, and just watch Vic and hope. Although Dutch wasn't entirely convinced that would be the easy path. To have to see Vic everyday, and to know that he meant nothing to him. To know that Vic felt nothing but contempt for him, the pain from that was sharp, and twisted deep inside his heart. Still Dutch knew that he really didn't have any choice in the matter. As much as he'd like to be able to control his feelings he knew that he was lost, all that he could hope was that this burning desire would eventually consume itself. That way he would no longer dream of feeling that hard, compact body moving under his. He'd no longer dream of being on his knees, taking Vic's cock in his mouth, feeling Vic thrusting, taking his pleasure in his mouth. He'd no longer dream of being able to give himself over to the strength and power of the other man, to be able to lose himself in his arms.

"And it's you I see

But you don't see me

And it's you I hear

So loud and clear

I sing it loud and clear

And I'll always be waiting for you

So I look in your direction

But you pay me no attention

And you know how much I need you

But you never even see me."


	3. I Wake Myself Thinking Of Him

Title- I Wake Myself Thinking Of Him

Author- Katt

Rating- R

Pairing- Vic/Dutch

Series- Undertow – Part 3?

Feedback- Like it or loathe it let me know

Archive- Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive

Disclaimers- I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX. The song "Mulder and Scully" is performed by "Catatonia".

I Wake Myself Thinking Of Him – "The Sweep"

__

"I'd rather be liberated, I find myself captivated

Stop doing what you…keep doing it to…

I'd rather stay bold and lonely, I dream I'm your one and only

Stop doing what you…keep doing it to…

Things are getting strange, I'm starting to worry

This could be a case for Mulder and Scully

Things are getting strange, now I can't sleep alone."

He was hot, and sticky, and uncomfortable. Turning over to his left side Dutch pushed the comforter down to his waist, and raised his head just enough so he could flip the pillow over. Burying his head in the now cool side of the pillow Dutch sighed, forcing himself to relax, trying to make his mind a blank, desperate for sleep.

His brain just wouldn't shut down though. Thoughts, ideas, memories swirling through his mind one after the other; not in any coherent form, just a random sampling of his subconscious. One theme did seem to come to the fore more than any other though – Vic Mackey. Christ I'm becoming obsessed, Dutch thought with a sneer, feeling stupid and weak. God, just cause Mackey asked for his help here he was thinking about him, wondering about what Vic really thought of him, wondering if there might ever be a chance that… With a snort Dutch slammed the door shut on that line of thought. Yeah, Vic asked for your help, and then he sneered at your theory about a connection between the attack on his... His what? Vic's friend, right his crack whore "friend". His informant then? Yeah, that would work, because what else could she be? Not a lover, after all when he'd asked, in a not so subtle way that made him wince to remember it,

__

"So you and Vic are friends? Interesting."

She'd been quick to reply,

__

"Vic and me have a bond that transcends sex."

Thank God for that, Dutch thought.

Anyway whatever the connection was between Vic and his – what had Claudette called her a "bad bride" – Vic had certainly been quick to dismiss his theory that she might have escaped from a serial attacker. It still stung to think that although Vic had asked for his help, he hadn't trusted him enough to let him get on with the case his way. Vic had felt the need to check up on him, to spy on him from the observation room, and then he'd wanted to muscle in and take over. Vic had only backed down because Claudette had stepped in and objected. If it had been him who'd said no, Vic would probably have just steam-rolled right over him.

Flopping over onto his back Dutch opened eyes that felt gritty and sore through lack of sleep, and stared up at the dark ceiling.

"I'd rather be jumping ship, I find myself jumping straight in

Stop doing what you…keep doing it to…

Forever be dozy and dim, I wake myself thinking of him

Stop doing what you…keep doing it to…

Things are getting strange, I'm starting to worry

This could be a case for Mulder and Scully

Things are getting strange, now I can't sleep alone."

Not wanting to think about Vic only made matters worse it seemed. The harder Dutch tried to turn his thoughts to other things, the more Vic muscled his way into his brain. He found himself thinking about the other man's strength, his "fuck you" attitude, his compact body, his face that could be so cold that when he looked at you you'd feel your heart freeze in your chest, or else Vic could smile, and Dutch would feel a little dizzy when he saw it. Not that he ever smiles at you like that, the sneer was back in Dutch's head. No, Vic never smiled at him like that, with warmth, as if he was the most important person in the room. Deep down Dutch knew that Vic only used his charm, his smile, to get what he wanted. That if Vic did ever smile at him like that it would only be to manipulate him. Even though he knew that it didn't stop him wishing, that just once, he could be on the receiving end of that look.

"My bed is made for two and there's nothing I can do

So tell me something I don't know

If my head is full of you is there nothing I can do?

Must we all march in two by two by two?

And as for some happy ending, I'd rather stay single and thin

Stop doing what you…keep doing to me

Things are getting strange, I'm starting to worry

This could be a case for Mulder and Scully

Things are getting strange, now I can't sleep alone."

Of course where Vic was concerned Dutch found himself wanting a lot of things. He found himself wanting things that he'd never seriously considered before. Things that went a lot further than his previous experience with his own sex. The couple of dozen mutual hand jobs, and one, very clumsy, and over far too quickly, sixty-nine, that he'd shared with Andy Pritchard in the basement of Andy's house over the course of one hot Summer vacation when they were both seventeen, didn't exactly add up to a whole lot of experience. Not that he hadn't thought about other men before, and had even indulged in a few fantasies, but he'd been too much of a coward to act on them, and had only had relationships with women.

Besides what did he really want from Vic? A hard, fast fucking bent over one of the desks in an interrogation room, or did he want romance, a relationship. Instead of fucking did he want them to make love. Shit, how dumb was he? Hadn't his experience with relationships taught him anything? He had a crappy track record with women, and even though it was twenty years ago the pain he'd felt, when after the Summer vacation was over, and they'd gone back to school Andy had completely blanked him, never speaking to him again, still echoed in his heart.

What did he think he'd get from Vic? Hearts and flowers? More likely a stay in hospital if Vic ever found out. Even if by some miracle Vic would want him it would just be a one off, a buddy-fuck, a way for Vic to relieve some tension, and Dutch knew he didn't want that. Better if he just kept his head down, tried to stay out of Vic's way if he could.

Glancing at the clock Dutch felt his heart drop when he saw it was already 3:30am. He'd have to be getting up in a couple of hours anyway to go to work, so there wasn't much chance of any rest tonight. With a groan he sat up and decided to take a shower, and drink a few cups of strong coffee, to wake himself up as best he could, before going over those hooker murders again. There was a connection there Dutch was sure of it.

"So what you got to say about that?

And what does someone do without love?

And what does someone do with love?

And what have you got to say about that"


	4. When I Think About You

Title- When I Think About You

Author- Katt

E-mail- R

Series- Undertow Part 4?

Feedback- Like it or loathe it let me know

Archive- Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive

Disclaimers- I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX. The song "I Touch Myself" is performed by "The Divinyls".

When I Think About You – "Dawg Days"

"I love myself

I want you to love me

When I'm feelin' down

I want you above me

I search myself

I want you to find me

I forget myself

I want you to remind me

I don't want anybody else

When I think about you

I touch myself

I don't want anybody else

Oh no, oh no, oh no."

Jesus what a day. He felt so tired, weighed down by problems and responsibilities. Having to slap Rondell down, shoving T-Bonz and Kern in that container so they could "work out" their differences, then finally an hour at the hospital while Megan was examined, and the worry of Matthew on top of everything else. Corrine had already gone to bed, exhausted by the drama at the hospital, and the constant worry of what the diagnosis was going to be concerning Matt. He needed to wash away the stink of the day though. He needed to relax under a hot shower, working out some kinks.

He didn't mean to think about Dutch, but as he began to soap himself, feeling his hands glide over his skin, he couldn't help himself. It was his own fault; he'd poisoned himself with a touch. He hadn't meant to do it, but he'd been too weak to resist. He closed his eyes, and began lazily stroking himself as he relived the memory. In the nightclub he'd been talking with Lem about Kern when Dutch had overheard and asked,

"Who's Kern Little"

Wanting to make sure Dutch stayed out of the Strike Team's business Vic had made light of it,

"Listen Dutchboy don't get your clogs all dirty, we'll deal with Kern Little."

He'd laughed, so had Lem, while Dutch's mouth had just tightened a little at the jibe, no doubt one he'd heard before, more than once. Vic hadn't meant to, but he hadn't been able to stop himself from softening his words with a touch. A couple of light, friendly taps on the shoulder, trying to convey that he wanted to share the joke with Dutch, not make him the butt of it. That had been the plan, but then he'd felt the heat. Through Dutch's clothes he'd felt the heat of his body, the solidity of it, and suddenly he hadn't wanted to let go.

Despite the fact that they were surrounded by their colleagues, that Lem was standing right next to them, Vic hadn't wanted to let go. He'd slid his hand down over Dutch's upper arm, around to his back, yearning for the contact. Feeling the form under the clothes. Imagining the play of pale skin over hard muscle. His touch had lingered a little too long as he'd passed by, and now he couldn't forget it. Now he longed for more.

"You're the one who makes me happy

You're the sun who makes me shine

When you're around I'm always laughing

I want to make you mine

I close my eyes

And see you before me

Think I would die

If you were to ignore me

A fool could see

Just how much I adore you

I get down on my knees

I'd do anything for you

I don't want anybody else

When I think about you

I touch myself

I don't want anybody else

Oh no, oh no, oh no."

Soap on his hand making the slide of his hard flesh easier. The hot water massaging the stiff muscles in his neck. The tension easing and flowing away down the plughole with the water. Vic reached down with his left hand fondling his balls, rolling first one, then the other, between his fingers, as he continued to stroke himself. Rubbing his thumb over the slit spreading his pre-cum down over his length. The hand he had wrapped around his cock, the hand he'd touched Dutch with, the hand he wanted to do more with than fleetingly touch. He wanted to undress Dutch, watch the slim body slowly being revealed. He wanted to skim his fingers lightly over all that pale, pale flesh, making the other man shiver and gasp at his touch. He wanted to caress, and scratch, to pinch and stroke. He wanted to take, and be taken, to possess and to give.

Moving his hand faster over his hot flesh Vic imagined doing this to Dutch. Giving him pleasure, making him hard, making him moan, making him thrust, making him want. Vic wanted to give him everything. He wanted to get down on his knees and take Dutch into his mouth. Vic licked his lips at the thought of taking the younger man deep into his throat. The feel of hard, silken skin against his lips. The musky scent of the other man, the taste of Dutch on his tongue. Vic imagined the slow, teasing scrape of his teeth against Dutch's cock. The slight sting of it instantly soothed away by long licks from his tongue.

Vic rubbed his balls, his thumb mirroring the motion over the sensitive head of his cock. He imagined Dutch reaching down, his hands on his scalp. Thrusting his cock into Vic's mouth. Meaningless moans escaping Dutch's mouth as Vic's tongue reduced him to incomprehensible sound. All would conspire to urge Vic on, to make him take Dutch in deeper. He'd reach between Dutch's legs, and fondle his balls, just like he was squeezing his own.

Wanting to mirror on his own body, what he was doing to Dutch in his fantasy, Vic moved his fingers further back. He could feel the building tingle of orgasm as he lightly stroked his perineum. Dutch would open his legs wider, welcoming Vic's touch. He'd moan and gasp "yes" when Vic's fingers found the opening to his body.

Teasing the entrance to his own body with a finger Vic bit down on his lip as he felt his orgasm approaching. His hand stroking in hard, and fast jerks, his left hand leaving his ass to brace himself against the tiled wall as he came.

Eyes still closed Vic leaned his head back into the jet of hot water. The evidence of his fantasy swirling away with the water. Finally reaching up he shut off the shower, and stepping out into the cooler air of the bathroom Vic reached for the towel.

As he slid into bad next to Corrine, being careful not to awaken her, Vic felt warm, relaxed, and ready for sleep. Just as he was dropping off to sleep he sighed as he could feel the ghost of heat and muscle under his hand.

"I love myself

I want you to love me

I want you above me

I search myself

I want you to find me

I forget myself

I want you to remind me

I want you

I don't want anybody else

And when I think about you

I touch myself."


	5. Day’s Dawning, Skin’s Crawling

Title- Day's Dawning, Skin's Crawling

Author- Katt

E-mail- R

Pairing- Vic/Dutch

Series- Undertow Part 5a?

Feedback- Like it or loathe it let me know

Archive- Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive.

Disclaimers- I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX. "Pure Morning" is performed by "Placebo" and was written by Brian Molko.

Day's Dawning, Skin's Crawling – "Blowback"

__

"A friend in need's a friend indeed,

A friend with weed is better,

A friend with breasts and all the rest,

A friend who's dressed in leather,

A friend in need's a friend indeed,

A friend who'll tease is better,

Our thoughts compressed,

Which makes us blessed,

And makes for stormy weather."

He watched them bathed in the warm golden glow of light that spilled through the open door into the night. Dutch hadn't been able to resist waiting to see Danny's "friend", he'd known a brush off when he'd heard one, and sure that she hadn't been telling him the truth he'd been curious. Now he wished he'd just gone home so he'd have been spared watching this scene. Even now he could drive away, but he found that he couldn't, he was rooted to the spot watching the little drama caught in the spotlight framed by Danny's front door, playing out, it seemed, for him alone.

They were talking, Vic hanging back on the doorstep, seeming to be unwilling to take the next step over the threshold. Danny reached out for him and pulled, but Vic stopped himself from moving forward. Dutch held his breath, wanting Vic to turn away and leave. The bitter twist of jealousy making itself felt in his gut. A potent, double twist of jealousy, as he felt resentment that Danny had lied to him, and that she was obviously not interested in him, and an even harsher stab of emotion at the thought of Vic in her arms, in her bed.

Dutch watched them, the moment balanced on a knife-edge. There was something between them, something intangible, stopping Vic from taking that final step, and then the barrier vanished as Vic leant forward and kissed her. Disappointment and disbelief flooded through Dutch as he muttered,

"Aw, you gotta be shittin' me."

"A friend in need's a friend indeed,

My Japanese is better,

And when she's pressed she will undress,

And then she's boxing clever,

A friend in need's a friend indeed,

A friend who bleeds is better

My friend confessed she passed the test,

And we will never sever.

Day's dawning, skin's crawling,

Day's dawning, skin's crawling,

Day's dawning, skin's crawling,

Day's dawning, skin's crawling,

Pure morning, pure morning,

Pure morning, pure morning."

Another night spent tossing and turning, getting no rest, thanks once again to Vic Mackey. His imagination running away with him, images of Vic and Danny together making his skin crawl on the one hand, while making him hard on the other.

He'd seen all the little looks, the smiles, the comforting touch in the break room after Detective Crowley was killed. He'd seem it and deep down he'd known what it meant. God knows he'd read enough books on interepting body language to know exactly the level of intimacy that those light touches signified. Yet he hadn't really seen it at all, or more likely he hadn't wanted to see it. From a Summer vacation so long ago spent with Andy Pritchard, to a marriage, the wounds of which still bled a little, with Lucy, he just never seemed to learn. Only he could be interested in two different people, two different sexes for Christ's sake, only to find they were having an affair with each other – what an idiot.

The thought of them together crept back into his head, making his hard cock throb. The thought of being there with them, and the images that produced in his mind, made his resolve crumble and his hand reached down under the covers.

"A friend in need's a friend indeed,

A friend with weed is better,

A friend with breasts and all the rest

A friend who's dressed in leather."


	6. It’s You That I Hold On To

Title- It's You That I Hold On To

Author- Katt

E-mail- Undertow 5b?

Rating- R

Feedback-Like it or loathe it let me know

Archive- Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive

Disclaimers- I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX. The song "Sparks" was performed by "Coldplay", and was written by Berryman/Buckland/Champion/Martin.

It's You That I Hold On To – "Blowback"

__

"Did I drive you away?

I know what you'll say,

You say"Oh, sing one we know"

But I promise you this,

I'll always look out for you,

That's what I'll do.

I say "oh", I say "oh"

My heart is yours,

It's you that I hold on to,

That's what I do,

And I know I was wrong,

But I won't let you down,

(Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah I will, yes I will…)."

Hands moving slowly down along the smooth line of the spine. The flesh warm, soft under his hands. Pausing so that fingers can work the muscles under the skin, eliciting little moans of pleasure, and the rub of ass against his crotch as his partner knelt slightly, and pushed back against him craving the contact. As he knelt between the long, open legs Vic moved his hands lower. Gliding over round buttocks, down to taut thighs, teasing, squeezing, fingernails leaving light red trails in the white flesh.

Enough teasing, his hands pulling on slim hips, pulling his partner up on hands and knees. One hand guiding his cock, the other squeezing the smooth flesh of the hip tightly. Possession and passion consuming him as Vic feels himself sinking into the willing body pushing back against him. Their moans of pleasure mingling with each other, their movements, falling into a well-known rhythm, building to their mutual completion.

Vic bit his lip to stop himself from calling out as he came, knowing that it wouldn't be Danny's name on his lips.

Lying in the dark listening to Danny's soft breathing Vic stared up at the ceiling knowing he should be slipping out of bed, and getting dressed, but unwilling to move, to return to reality with all it's confusion and difficulties. He'd wanted to escape all that, if only for a while, and Danny had given him that escape. Now thoughts of Matthew crowded his mind. He'd wanted someone to talk to when he'd first arrived here, but Danny had made it clear that she wasn't the person he could share his fears with. She wanted no-strings, uncomplicated sex. Vic felt a pang of guilt, maybe he should be at home with Corrine, supporting her, but the conversation he'd had with Danny, in the car park that day, had meant he'd needed to be here tonight.

__

"What you got there"

"Notes. Sergeant's exam, Dutch is gonna help me out."

"Dutchman isn't pulling the old "I'll help you study, you help me get laid" maneuver is he"

"He'd like to help me pass."

"He'd like to help you outta your pants."

He'd needed to be here to make sure nothing sparked between Danny and Dutch, and not because of Danny he realised. Shit, he had it bad.

He'd known that Danny would get rid of Dutchboy if he called her wanting to see her. Then when he'd gotten to her place he'd hesitated on the doorstep. She'd reached out and pulled him towards her, and he'd put his hand on the doorframe, his face staring at the floor, as he'd realised that this was wrong. Not only should he have been at home, but also he knew that Danny wasn't the person he really wanted to be with, but he'd needed comfort, release, someone to touch, so he'd kissed her.

Then he'd spent the entire time he'd been making love to her wishing he was with someone else, pretending he was with someone else, touching someone else, holding someone else.

Moving carefully so as not to wake Danny, Vic got out of the warm bed and quickly dressed. Once outside he paused on the doorstep, breathing in the cool night air. He was totally fucked he knew that. Not only wanting to be with Dutch, but also doing his best to make sure Dutch wouldn't be with anyone else. Something was gonna have to give, Vic realised that. For the time being he could watch from afar, but Vic knew that eventually he'd have to act on his feelings. That thought both excited and frightened him.

"I say "oh", I cry "oh"

Yeah I saw sparks,

Yeah I saw sparks,

And I saw sparks,

Yeah I saw sparks."


	7. Do You Long To Confess

Title- Do You Long To Confess

Author- Katt

E-mail- R

Series- Undertow Part 6a?

Feedback- Like it or loathe it let me know

Archive- Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive

Disclaimers- I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX. The song "Put Your Arms Around Me" is performed by "Texas", and written by Sharleen Spiteri, Johnny McElhone, Hodgens and Dave Stewart.

Do You Long To Confess – "Cherrypoppers"

"Are you ready maybe, are you willing to run?

Are you ready to let yourself drown?

Are you holding your breath?

Are you ready or not?

Are you ready maybe, do you long to confess?

Do you feel that you're already numb?

Are you sure of yourself?

Would you lie if you're not?

You tire me out, don't want to let that happen

A secret scream so loud, why did you let that happen?"

Sitting on the cold concrete of Danny's doorstep Dutch stared down at his feet waiting for her to get home so he could grovel, and ask for her forgiveness. It was a pity he couldn't beg for Sally's forgiveness too. He'd failed her, hadn't found the animal that'd hurt her so badly. Who'd used her, killed her, and then thrown her away like she was a piece of rubbish. His mind took him back to the park. Flashes of harsh, white light, from the scene's of crime photographer's camera, kept illuminating her little broken body for the edification of the ghoulish onlookers, who craned their necks to get a good look at the tableaux of tragedy being enacted behind the yellow police tape. Now she lay cold, and alone, on a slab in the morgue. Her body violated by those sick perverts who got off on destroying innocence, then she'd been used to satisfy some inadequate monster's fantasy of power and death, and finally her body had been picked over, and cut up, on a cold metal table.

She was there because of him. Yet another failure. If he'd worked harder, if he'd been more persuasive when he'd gone to Aceveda and tried to convince him that there was a serial killer on the loose, maybe Sally would still be alive.

The cooling night air made him shiver, and Dutch clamped down on the morbid turn his thoughts were taking. He'd found the whole case deeply unsettling, and it had stirred up long suppressed memories and emotions. Dark things from the past that were better left buried.

He needed to make things right with Danny, and then sort his head out. What was it that Special Agent Ryde had told him?

"It doesn't hurt it you don't let it."

Well, too late for that, the pain of it burrowed under his skin, and he knew it would fester there until he'd caught the killer. He just needed to make sure that he didn't unravel, speak about things that were better left as secrets.

"So put your arms around me

You let me believe that you were someone else

Cause only time can take you

So let me believe that I am someone else

Maybe are you ready to break

Do you think that I push you too far?

Would you open yourself?

Are you reckless or not?

You tire me out, don't want to let that happen

A secret scream so loud, why did you let that happen?"

Other secrets had nearly stumbled into the light today, and the thought that maybe he wasn't the only one who harboured secret desires made him shiver again, and this time it had nothing to do with the falling temperature.

There had been a weird tension between him and Vic right from the out-set. An aggression that had made them confrontational, getting into each other's personal space, neither wanting to back down, give in to the other. Vic's eyes had bored into his, the intensity of his stare daring Dutch to push back. It had seemed to Dutch that the air between them had crackled with electricity. He'd been relieved when Vic had walked away during their confrontation outside the cage, when Vic had brought in Mrs. Park. The strange, unsettling feelings rising up within him had made his hands itch to reach out and grab Vic, shove him up against the wall and…

Then the whole tone of the suppressed tension between them had shifted. After seeing that film, seeing the violation of a child, Dutch had felt devastated, numb. Vic could've walked away. From the way they'd been interacting that day he should've, but he didn't. He'd stood next to him, not quite, but almost touching him, close enough that Dutch thought he could feel his heat. Vic had asked if he was okay, he'd listened to him, and had promised to get the asshole that'd made the film. Vic had smiled at him then, reassuring him. There'd been a promise behind that slight twist of his lips – of what, Dutch hadn't been sure.

Again Vic had been there for him. Stopping him from smashing that prick Tom Ross in the face. Vic's hand resting on his chest grounding him, bringing him back from the brink, and helping the red mist to lift from his eyes.

Then, finally, reaching out for him when Dutch had felt his world crumbling around him. Vic had stood with him, hadn't let him turn away, walk away, hadn't let him blame himself,

"Hey Dutch, you showed me something today."

"What do you mean? I failed."

"Ah, no. No, no you didn't. We took down some bad guys, doing some bad stuff."

"You did that, not me."

"We both did it. We'll get your guy too. It just won't be today."

There had been something in Vic's eyes. Something that had made Dutch want to reach out for the other man. Something that made him believe that if he did Vic wouldn't spurn him, but would hold him, as fiercely as Dutch wanted to hold on to Vic, and not let go.

Footsteps approaching snapped Dutch out of his reverie, and his apology began.

"What I said to you was inexcusable…"

_"So put your arms around me_

_So put your arms around me_

_Make me believe_

_Take me, take me somewhere, away_

_Let me believe_

_Cause only time can take you_

_So stop."_


	8. Fly Away With You Into The Night

Title- Fly Away With You Into The Night

Author- Katt

E-mail- R

Series- Undertow Part 6b?

Feedback- Like it or loathe it let me know

Archive- Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive

Disclaimers- I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX. The song "Crash and Burn" is performed by "Savage Garden" and was written by Darren Hayes and Daniel Jones.

Fly Away With You Into The Night – "Cherrypoppers"

__

"When you feel all alone

And the world has turned its back on you

Give me a moment please to tame your wild, wild heart

I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you

It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold

When darkness is upon your door, and you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call

If you jump I'll break your fall

Lift you up and fly away with you into the night

If you need to fall apart

I can mend a broken heart

If you need to crash, then crash and burn

You're not alone."

It was official; Vic had turned into a stalker. He'd gone to the car pool at The Barn and taken out something a little less conspicuous than the team's usual ride of choice, the Navigator. Then he'd followed Dutch when he'd left work. Followed him home, and then, on a hunch, had waited around. He'd not been disappointed, and he'd followed him once more until they'd ended up here at Danny's place. Vic was parked up behind a station wagon across from Danny's home, watching Dutch as he sat on her steps staring down at the ground – he looked so alone.

It had been a tough day. Kids were always hard to handle. It didn't matter how long you'd been in the job; every cop hated it when it was kids. Dutch had certainly taken the case to heart, maybe a little more than he should've. When they'd spoken that morning Vic had been unfair to Dutch when he'd said,

__

"I thought you wanted this case solved."

"I do."

"No, you only care about being the one who solves it."

There was certainly a touch arrogance about Dutch at times. He was intelligent, and Vic thought that Dutch could look down his nose a little at his fellow cops. That slightly superior attitude never failed to get Vic's back up. Today though there had been more of an edge to their interaction. An underlying current of emotion, that had each of them reacting to the other with an intensity that held a heat to it that had made Vic's mouth go dry, and his cock sit up and take notice. He was also pretty sure that he wasn't the only one who'd felt it.

At one point Vic had thought that Dutch was actually going to grab him. He'd been so confrontational, in Vic's personal space, not backing down. The heat between them building to such a height that Vic had had to walk away.

Then he'd seen Dutch's face after they'd watched that sick shit, trying to force that evil witch to give up the bastard who made the films. He'd looked so pale, so shocked, for one moment Vic had thought he might be about to throw up. Vic hadn't been able to walk away that time. He hadn't been able to leave him on his own. It had been the same later on after Aceveda had pulled the manpower away from the case. Standing in the squadroom, up to his ankles in water watching Sun -Lee leave, Dutch had looked like the loneliest man on the planet. Vic had tried to comfort him with words, but he'd really wanted to reach out and take him into his arms.

"When you feel all alone

And a loyal friend is hard to find

You're caught in a one way street

With the monsters in your head

When hopes and dreams are far away and

You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call

If you jump I'll break your fall

Lift you up and fly away with you into the night

If you need to fall apart

I can mend a broken heart

If you need to crash, then crash and burn

You're not alone

Because there has always been heartache and pain

And when it's over you'll breathe again

You'll breathe again."

Then Vic had heard all about Dutch's out-burst towards Danny, and his worry for the younger man had intensified. It wasn't like Dutch to treat anybody like that, and certainly not Danny. That, in addition to the haunted look on his face when he realised that Sun -Lee wasn't Sally, was one of the reasons Vic was spending his evening tailing Dutch around the city.

He'd actually been tempted to go up and knock on Dutch's door after he'd followed him home. He could've made some excuse about wanting to talk about the case, he was pretty sure Dutch would've let him in. Then he could've let Dutch talk, he could've listened, comforted him – shoved him up against a wall stopping his words by putting his tongue down his throat, and putting his hands down his pants. Although he was beginning to believe that Dutch wouldn't be altogether adverse to the idea, Vic knew that it probably wasn't what Dutch needed at the moment, and felt a little guilty for not being able to keep his libido in check.

Vic noticed someone approaching, and recognising Danny's walk, he hunkered down in his seat, letting the shadows hide him. As he watched, Danny realised Dutch was there and stopped, taking her bag from her shoulder, her body language guarded, cold. After the way Dutch had spoken to her Vic couldn't say he blamed her. Looking back at Dutch he could see he'd begun to talk, although he still stared down at his feet, unable to look Danny in the face. Then he finally raised his eyes from the floor, the first time since he'd arrived at Danny's house. Vic winced at the way Danny tilted her head, her hand resting on her thigh. Whatever, Dutch was saying Danny was still pissed at him. Dutch seemed to sense it too and dropped his eyes again. Then he said something that made the tension in Danny's body drain out her, something that made her soften towards him, and picking up her bag Danny moved to sit next to Dutch on the step. Vic wondered what Dutch had said to her, it must have been something good cause Danny could hold a grudge with the best of them.

Suddenly Dutch's face twisted into a look that could only be described as contempt, and Vic was convinced he knew at whom that contempt was directed, and his heart ached for the pain he knew Dutch was feeling. Then suddenly Dutch was standing up and facing away from him, blocking his view of Danny too.

Vic assumed that Dutch's apology was over as he turned away from a rather grim faced Danny, and began slowly walking down the steps, shoulders slumped, defeat in every line of his body. Vic decided in that moment that he couldn't let Dutch face the rest of the night alone. He'd tail Dutch back to his house, leave it for a couple of minutes, and then go up and knock on his door. Offer Dutch some comfort. Offer Dutch himself.

Vic's hand reached for the ignition key, ready to pull away from Danny's house and tail Dutch home, when the light tone of Danny's voice carried across to him as she called after Dutch. Looking up he saw she'd stood up and was talking to Dutch, fiddling with her clothes – nervous. Dutch had ducked his head, hands slipping into his pockets, as he began to walk slowly back up the steps towards her.

Vic switched off the engine as he watched Dutch follow Danny into the house, knowing he'd lost his chance. Dutch was going to find company, and maybe a little comfort, with someone else tonight. That thought made Vic feel sad, a little empty inside, at the realisation that Dutch hadn't turned to him. That was going to change though Vic decided as he drove away. He'd seen the need in Dutch's eyes today, the desire hiding in their depths, and made up his mind to be the one Dutch would turn to when he needed someone to hold him.

"When you feel all alone

And the world has turned its back on you

Give me a moment please

To tame your wild, wild heart

Let me be the one you call

If you jump I'll break your fall

Lift you up and fly away with you into the night

If you need to fall apart

I can mend a broken heart

If you need to crash, then crash and burn

You're not alone."


	9. Dancing Through The Fire

Title: - Dancing Through The Fire

Author: - Katt

E-mail: - - R

Series: - Undertow Part 7a?

Feedback: - Like it or loathe it let me know

Archive: - Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive

Disclaimers: - I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX. The song "You Do Something To Me" was written and performed by Paul Weller.

Dancing Through The Fire – "Pay In Pain"

__

"You do something to me, something deep inside

I'm hanging on the wire, for a love I'll never find

You do something wonderful, then chase it all away

Mixing my emotions, that throws me back again

Hanging on the wire, I'm waiting for the change

I'm dancing through the fire, just to catch a flame

And feel real again

You do something to me, somewhere deep inside

I'm hoping to get close, to a peace I cannot find."

It was late, and Vic really should've been home hours ago, but first he had something he needed to do. He didn't want to do it, but he could see no other way, if Lowe wasn't going to be reasonable, then Vic would just have to play dirty. Ben wanted Shane to take the fall over the drugs mess, but Vic couldn't let that happen, he'd already promised Shane that he wasn't giving up on him. If that meant he'd have to throw Julien to the bigoted, homophobic wolves then he would, after all Shane was his partner. He'd watched Vic's back more times than Vic cared to remember, and if Shane was in trouble now Vic knew that it was partly due to Terry's death. Shane couldn't get it out of his mind, and it was making him spin out of control, Vic had to be there for him, to pull him back from the brink, just until Shane got his head together again.

Glancing at his watch Vic winced at the lateness of the hour, Corrine would be mad at him, but still what else was new there. He'd better get a move on if he wanted to catch Julien's "friend" though. From what he'd read on Motyashik's rap sheet the guy was a con-artist, he'd take Lowe for everything he could get and then leave him high and dry. Vic figured he was probably doing Julien a favour. First though he needed to take a piss.

Strolling toward the toilets Vic frowned when he saw the suit jacket hanging from the back of the chair, and the open file on the desk. Pausing, he looked down at the smiling face of a murdered thirteen-year-old prostitute, and he felt his heart clench a little in his chest. Not only for Sally, but for Dutch too, who seemed to be taking this case far too much to heart. It wasn't the first late night he knew Dutch had put in on this case; the guy was beginning to look tired, worn-down. He knew he wasn't the only one to notice, he'd caught Claudette shooting her partner little worried looks when Dutch wasn't looking. If the guy carried on like this, working himself into the ground, unable to leave cases at work at the end of the day, he'd burn out. Either give up and stop caring, or try to find some peace at the bottom of a bottle, or at the end of his gun. Vic shuddered, he'd seen it happen too often, and he didn't want to see it happen to Dutch.

Lost in thought Vic was slightly startled to come face to face with the object of his thoughts when he pushed open the door to the ladies. Dutch looked equally surprised to be disturbed, and jumped back from the sink where he'd been leaning forward studying his face in the mirror. Looking at him Vic's concern deepened when he noticed how much darker, and deeper, the black circles under Dutch's eyes had become. The front of his shirt had little wet spots on it, and the front of Dutch's hair was wet, Vic figured he'd probably been trying to wake himself up by splashing some cold water on his face – not a good sign.

Vic was glad to have caught the younger man alone. It seemed to him that since the day of Sally's murder investigation Dutch had been avoiding him. There had been a moment that day when Vic had been sure he'd seen the need, the desire, in the other man's eyes, an echo of his own feelings, but since then Dutch always seemed to have somewhere else to be whenever Vic came anywhere near him. Eye contact had certainly been lacking, Dutch studiously gazing at the floor when Vic was around. Just like now in fact.

"You're here late." Vic said, making sure he stood in front of the door, cutting off Dutch's retreat.

"Yeah, well…work. You know how it is." Dutch mumbled back at him, shrugging, his body language tense, his eyes diverted.

"You look tired," Vic commented softly. "Maybe you should call it a night."

Dutch looked up at him, his eyes searching Vic's face for a moment. His eyes locked with Vic's, and again Vic saw something flash in their depths, a quick glimpse before it was hidden away again.

"I'm leaving now…What about you? Going home or…" Dutch's voice petered out a little and Vic suddenly caught a subtle meaning, perhaps an opportunity, an invitation. Shit, if he didn't need to get this drug mess cleared up,

"I'd like to, but I've got work to do…a case."

"Oh." Dutch said, his voice sounding kind of flat, disappointed even. "I'll say goodnight then."

Dutch moved forward making for the door, and Vic moved to one side to let him pass, but something made him reach out. His hand locked around Dutch's wrist, his fingers feeling the warm, smooth skin, the slight play of tendons under the flesh. The flutter of Dutch's pulse beating through his skin, speeding up the longer Vic held onto him. As soon as Vic had touched him Dutch had stilled, his eyes dropping back down to the floor, his shoulders becoming tense again, but he made no move to pull away from Vic's grasp. Unable to stop himself Vic made small circular motions on the sensitive skin inside Dutch's wrist with his fingertips, and felt Dutch heart beat flutter a little faster.

"You need to take a break Dutch. You can't take everything so much to heart. I know catching Sally's killer is important to you, but you won't do it if you make yourself ill. If you need to talk, if you need someone…to be there for you. I'm here."

Dutch's eyes flitted back up to his face, and once again Vic felt himself being scrutinized, it was as if Dutch wasn't sure whether he could trust him or not. Saddened by that thought Vic concentrated on gazing steadily back at the younger man, and hoped he was communicating his sincerity.

Vic was elated when Dutch smiled slightly at him, and said quietly,

"Thanks, I'm starting to realise that I think."

Then Dutch moved once again towards the door, but he still didn't pull away from Vic completely. Instead he slowly pulled his hand through Vic's, his fingers trailing over Vic's palm, and briefly squeezing Vic's fingertips before letting go. Then he was gone, and Vic was left standing in the ladies toilets, his hand tingling and a wide grin on his face.

"Dancing through the fire, just to catch a flame

Just to get close to, just close enough

To tell you that…

You do something to me, something deep inside."


	10. Those Eyes Are Not For Hurting

Title: - Those Eyes Are Not For Hurting

Author: - Katt

E-mail: R

Series: - Undertow Part 7b?

Feedback: - Like it or loathe it let me know

Archive: - Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive

Disclaimers: - I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX. The song "In Your Eyes" is performed and written by Joan Armatrading.

Dedicated to: - Ara and Iblis. Thanks for the reviews, it's always nice to know someone's reading what you write LOL.

Those Eyes Are Not For Hurting – "Pay In Pain"

"In your eyes

I can see

Something

Something

So sure

In those eyes

As bright as the stars

As blue as the sky

I could die

In your eyes."

He'd tried so hard since that day to avoid Vic. To avoid those piecing blue eyes that seemed to look right into him, right into his soul, and see his secrets. Those same blue eyes that had given him hope, which had looked at him with a fire in their depths that had made him shiver.

He ran away from it because he was a coward, because he was afraid of letting himself fall, and then getting hurt when everything disintegrated around him. It had happened that way far too many times for Dutch to hand over his hopes, and his heart, to easily to someone who could crush them both.

"In your eyes

I can see

Something

Something

So sure

And those eyes

Are not for hurting

You have the power

In those eyes

In those eyes

As bright as the stars

As blue as the sky

I could die

In your eyes."

However, he should've known he couldn't avoid Vic forever. In the small bathroom there had been that feeling of electricity running between them again. It had left him simultaneously wanting to run away as far and as fast as he could, and yet wishing that the moment would never end. That frisson of danger and excitement making him feel reckless.

Dutch winced at his ridiculously mumbled half-invitation to Vic,

"What about you? Going home or…"

What he'd wanted to do was ask Vic for a drink, but he'd been unable to get the words out, afraid of rejection, afraid he'd totally misread the situation, and he'd be met with that Mackey smirk and sarcastic tone of voice, turning him down, making him into a joke. At first he'd thought that was exactly what he was going to get when Vic did turn him down, but then when Vic had showed genuine concern for him, when he'd said,

"…If you need to talk, if you need someone…to be there for you. I'm here."

Dutch had known that Vic felt something for him. He still wasn't sure exactly what, or how intensely, but there was something there, something more than just the concern of one colleague for another.

Reaching down Dutch gently stroked the spot on the inside of his wrist where Vic's fingertips had gently caressed the skin. He bit his lip, and closed his eyes, remembering the thrill that had raced through him at that touch, the warmth that had flooded his body, sending a tingle down his spine straight to his crotch. Looking down he wished it wasn't quite so dark in his car, because he half believed that if he looked he'd see a mark burnt into his flesh where Vic had touched him. He knew he'd feel the ghost of that light touch on his skin for days to come, and that thought made him smile, and feel just a little bit smug, and little bit special, compared to everyone else in the world.

Still smiling slightly Dutch dragged himself back to the present, and gazed across the street at the house he'd come to visit. He felt silly, but he was also desperate. Besides something Frieda had said earlier that day had intrigued him, despite his cynicism,

"You yearn for a young woman who doesn't yearn after you."

"What, you see I'm not wearing a wedding ring, and figure a guy who shops at the ninety-nine cents store is probably single, and what single guy doesn't have the hots for some woman out of his league. Is now when I fork over a weeks salary for one of your candles or…"

"She's someone you work with, or work closely by."

Dutch remembered his own smile, and Claudette's barely suppressed laughter, as he'd said,

"Come on let's go."

It had been Frieda's next words that had led him here tonight in search of answers.

"You're wasting your time with her you know."

Dutch had turned that sentence over in his head all day wondering just what Frieda had been getting at by saying it. Wondering if she'd meant that Danny, because it was Danny who was Dutch's unattainable woman after all, would never come to see him as anything but a friend, or if maybe he was wasting his time with her because his happiness was to be found in a pair of intense blue eyes that seemed to promise so much.

"As bright as the stars

As blue as the sky

I could die

In your eyes."


	11. I Want To Kiss Like Lovers Do

Title: - I Want To Kiss Like Lovers Do

Author: - Katt

E-mail: - - R

Series: - Undertow Part 8?

Feedback: - Like it or loathe it let me know

Archive: - Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive

Disclaimers: - I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX. The song "Here Comes The Rain Again" is performed by "The Eurythmics" and written by Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart.

I Want To Kiss Like Lovers Do – "Cupid and Psycho"

__

"Here comes the rain again

Falling on my head like a memory

Falling on my head like a new emotion

I want to walk in the open wind

I want to talk like lovers do

I want to dive into your ocean

Is it raining with you?

So baby talk to me

Like lovers do

Walk with me

Like lovers do

Talk to me

Like lovers do."

Standing under the hot shower, feeling the water pouring down over his shoulders and back Dutch felt relaxed. The pounding of the water, the heat, loosening tense muscles, washing away the pressures of his job, the pressures of his own expectations of himself. If only for a moment – it felt good.

Turning his face into the water, and wiping a hand back over his face, through his wet hair, Dutch could hear notes of music as the same song that he'd heard before when he'd called at Kim's house, to ask about Phoenix, began to play. For a moment a twinge of guilt, of regret, twisted deep inside his heart, but Dutch ruthlessly reached out and smothered it. However, no sooner had he begun to relax again then there was the guilt welling up inside of him. Guilt at what he'd done, what he'd allowed to happen here. When Shane had been describing Kim earlier,

__

"You know the "I lost my husband tragically, but I'm still young, and hot, and in need of an emotional release kinda sex""

Dutch had thought he was joking, because surely even Shane Vendrell couldn't really be that crass could he? Yet here he was relaxed and sated after both him and Kim had indulged in some "emotional release kinda sex". How shallow did that make him?

Dutch felt himself beginning to get annoyed, he was losing that pleasant, slightly boneless feeling from having several very enjoyable orgasms. Loosing the feeling of completeness he felt after sharing himself with another human being, after being connected with someone else, after not being alone. The water was cooling; the tense set to his shoulders was back, his muscles bunching under his skin.

This wasn't right and he knew it.

__

"Here comes the rain again

Raining on my head like a tragedy

Tearing me apart like a new emotion

__

I want to breathe in the open wind

I want to kiss like lovers do

I want to dive into your ocean

Is it raining with you?

So baby talk to me

Like lovers do

Walk with me

Like lovers do

Talk to me

Like lovers do."

It wasn't only wrong for him and Kim, what about Vic? Shit, yeah what about Vic, he thought to himself. For all he knew maybe Vic was just playing with him, setting him up for a fall. For all he knew maybe Vic was screwing Danny right now, or maybe he was screwing his wife. God, the whole thing was fucked up. When he'd stumbled over his words in the kitchen with Kim, when she'd kissed him, he'd told her,

__

"Today…today has been very emotional for you…ah…delayed grief, pent up emotions, misplaced feelings."

What he hadn't told her was that some of those "…pent up emotions" and "misplaced feelings" were his.

His mind had been repeatedly returning to that encounter with Vic in the bathroom at The Barn. The memory of his own clumsy attempt at propositioning the other man, the touch of Vic's fingers on his wrist, the way he felt the ghost of that touch every time he saw Vic now. The memory of Vic's softly spoken words,

__

"… if you need someone…to be there for you. I'm here."

What is it I really want though? Dutch thought to himself.

A relationship with Vic would be fraught with difficulties, it would have to be kept secret, and would it even be a relationship? He still wasn't sure exactly what Vic wanted. Did Vic want a relationship with him, or did he just want a warm body when Danny wasn't available? That thought made Dutch feel a little sick.

Was any of that what he really wanted?

Surely this was easier? This was something that wouldn't have to be kept hidden. He could walk hand in hand down the street with Kim, kiss her in front of whom ever he choose. There would be no looking over his shoulder, worrying in case a word or a look gave away the secret. Surely this was better?

Reaching up to switch off the now cold water Dutch shivered and couldn't stop his mind from wondering where Vic was, and who he was with.

__

"Here comes the rain again

Falling on my head like a memory

Falling on my head like a new emotion

I want to walk in the open wind

I want to talk like lovers do

I want to dive into your ocean

Is it raining with you?"


	12. You're Lost In Somebody Else

Title: - You're Lost In Somebody Else

Author: - Katt

E-mail: - - FRM

Series: - Undertow Part 9?

Feedback: - Like it or loathe it let me know

Archive: - Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive

Disclaimers: - I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX. The song "Away From Me" is performed by Puddle of Mudd, and written by Wes Scantlin.

You're Lost In Somebody Else – "Throwaway"

"Look at me now

Just sitting here by myself

And I think you found someone else

Now I'm gonna have to find

A way to put the bottle down

And why can't you see

That I'm drowning in a pool of misery

I'm always afraid

That you're gone

Away from me

I'm always afraid

That you're lost in somebody else

I'm always afraid

That you're gone

Away from me

I'm always afraid

That you're lost."

Looking around the smoky bar Vic wondered what time it was and yet couldn't be bothered to glance down at his watch. He didn't want to feel obliged to go home. He didn't want to have to face Corrine's coldness again. So instead he drained the last of his beer and signaled for the barman to put another bottle in front of him. Gazing at the bottle he slowly ran one finger up along its side feeling the condensation there running down over his skin, the glass icy cold under his touch. A long pull on the bottle meant the slight buzz in his head increased a little, but it didn't stop the feelings that were churning away inside him.

His home life was falling apart. It was getting so that he didn't want to go home sometimes. He didn't want to face Corrine's complaints, her disappointment. He knew she had it hard, but he had his team to look after too, a job to do. As far as she knew all the overtime he did was paying for Matthew's specialized schooling, and yet she moaned about it. He thought she'd understand and cut him some slack, but obviously not.

Then there was Dutch. That night in the bathroom Vic had thought that _something _had sparked between them. An unspoken understanding that their relationship with each other was about to change, to become something more. Seems he was wrong about that too.

"So here I am

I don't wanna be by myself

And I think you're fucking somebody else

Now I'm gonna have to find a way

To take the knife out of my back

And how could you leave me

Stranded in a closet full of bones

I'm always afraid

That you're gone

Away from me

I'm always afraid

That you're lost in somebody else

I'm always afraid

That you're gone

Away from me

I'm always afraid

That you're lost."

He'd been watching Cucusa, trying to see an opportunity to grab the gun they'd planted on Chaco, when he'd seen the dark-haired woman in the bright pink top. More importantly he'd seen Dutch with her. Holding her, kissing her, smiling and laughing. She'd been practically hanging off him and Vic had wanted to storm over there and pull her off, tell her to get lost, leave Dutch alone. Shit, Vic felt so stupid. While he'd been waiting, giving Dutch some space, Dutch had gone out and gotten himself hooked up with some woman. The jealousy that Vic had felt had made him sick to the stomach. He'd had to quickly stifle the pain though as he'd had yet another fuck up to sort out, and a banger impersonation to perfect.

He'd really thought that Dutch had understood, that Dutch would wait until the time was right for them to act on their feelings. Instead Dutch had forgotten all about him and had gone out and gotten himself laid. Vic felt that sick feeling in the pit of his stomach again, just like he'd felt when he'd been watching them together. He took another drink washing away the faint sting of bile in the back of his throat.

It felt like a betrayal, but was he just kidding himself? Maybe he'd imagined everything that time in the bathroom? Maybe it had been a case of wishful thinking? He'd thought he'd reached out to Dutch, initiated a relationship with him, but perhaps all Dutch had seen was an overture towards friendship.

No, Vic shook his head trying to clear it. He hadn't misconstrued anything that night. He could remember the look of longing in Dutch's eyes, the clumsily stuttered out invitation. The way Dutch hadn't pulled away when Vic had held his wrist, and most importantly the feeling of Dutch's finger's ghosting over his palm, making him shiver, and the way Dutch had squeezed his fingertips before stepping away. So why was Dutch behaving as if there was nothing between them?

"Maybe you could let me stay

Maybe just for one more day

You could help me stay the same

Maybe things won't ever change

Maybe we could taste the rain

You could push me out the way

Now I sit here by myself

Think about somebody else

How could you let them take you away from me?

There's somebody else

There's somebody else."

With a sigh Vic finally gave in and looked down at his watch, 1:30 am time he made a move. He wondered if maybe he should give Danny a call, see if he could talk her around into letting him come around and fuck her. Shaking his head he knew he was on his own, Danny wanted a break from things, from him, and he could imagine the silence on the other end of the phone if he called. Beside he couldn't fool himself, it wasn't Danny he wanted. That knowledge just made Vic feel even more alone.

At least he didn't have to waste his time wondering what Dutch was doing. Screwing his new love interest no doubt. The image of Dutch with the dark haired woman Vic had seen earlier made Vic's heart clench. That feeling of betrayal welling up inside of him again.

Drinking the last of his beer Vic threw some bills on the bar and slowly made his way out into the cold night air knowing he had to go home. Home to a cold bed, a stony silence and a back resolutely turned towards him.

"I'm always afraid

That you're gone

Away from me

I'm always afraid

That you're lost in somebody else

I'm always afraid

That you're gone

Away from me

I'm always afraid

That you're…

I'm always afraid

I'm always afraid

Away from me."


	13. I've Seen The Dark Side Too

Title: - I've Seen The Dark Side Too

Author: - Katt

E-mail: - - R

Series: - Undertow Part 10?

Feedback: - Like it or loathe it let me know

Archive: - Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive

Disclaimers: - I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX. The song "I'll Stand By You" is performed by "The Pretenders, and written by Chrissie Hynde, Tom Kelly and Billy Steinberg.

I've Seen The Dark Side Too – "Dragonchasers"

__

"Oh, why you look so sad?

Tears are in your eyes

Come on and come to me now

Don't be ashamed to cry

Let me see you through

'Cause I've seen the dark side too

When the night falls on you

You don't know what to do

Nothing you confess

Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you

I'll stand by you

Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you."

Jesus, that had been a day full of ups and downs that was for sure. Vic just needed some air, some space to think, clear his mind. Leaning back against the wall, shrouded by shadows he could watch the comings and goings in the precinct car park without being seen himself.

Having to hand Brian over to Children and Family Services had been one of the toughest things he'd ever done. Connie had been too weak to kick her habit. Preferring the poison she pumped into her veins to her own child. Inside Vic knew he was being unfair to Connie, that she'd given up Brian because she knew it was the right thing to do. Did he really think that keeping her locked in her mom's apartment while Ronnie made her tea was going to make her clean herself up? Shaking his head Vic knew he wasn't that naïve. It had been doomed to failure from the start, but he'd had to let her try.

Wiping a tired hand down over his face Vic turned his mind to more pleasant thoughts – Dutch. He'd been aware that Dutch was re-examining the Sally case. The news hadn't pleased Vic, Dutch had gotten too close to the case the last time, working longer and longer hours trying to find a suspect. Then it had seemed he was off on another wild-goose chase, if the rumours he'd heard were anything to go by. Obsessing over some guy Danny and Julian had caught jerking off. The jokes and sneers from assholes like Jackson annoyed Vic. Yet at the same time a little voice in Vic's head had been asking why he should care if Dutch made an ass of himself in front of everybody? After all Dutch had turned his back on him, turned his back on the unspoken promise of what could've been between them.

Of course that hadn't stopped Vic from getting drawn into the drama unfolding on the observation room TV. Ignoring Shane's flippant _"Sherlock Holmes here is getting smoked",_ he'd settled down to watch Dutch work. God knows he'd spent an inordinate amount of time studying Dutch so that he was pretty sure that Shane, Lem and the rest of the guys were in for a surprise.

When Taylor had smirked up at Dutch and said _"seventeen", _being echoed by a shocked sounding Claudette, the observation room had gone totally quiet except for Shane's flabbergasted, _"Jesus Christ."_ Dutch had been vindicated, and Vic hadn't been able to keep the smile from his face. Even now he could remember the swell of pride and pleasure he'd felt for the younger man. Dutch was always something of an outsider, always unsure of himself, seeking validation from others. Well now he had all the validation of his abilities that he needed, single-handedly catching a serial killer and solving twenty-two unsolved disappearances and murders in one day – not bad.

Afterwards when Dutch had emerged to a round of applause, and a growing sense of respect, Vic had been unable to stop himself from reaching out to him as Dutch had walked past. He'd wanted to let Dutch know that he was proud of him, but he'd had an ulterior motive as well. He'd wanted to remind Dutch that he was still there for him, that he still thought about the connection they'd found while working the Sally case together. He'd wanted to remind Dutch of the conversation they'd had in the bathroom that night. Vic had looked straight into Dutch's eyes as he'd spoken,

__

"Told you we'd get this guy."

"Yes, you did."

"And here I thought I was gonna have to do all the work."

It had been there then, despite the other people standing around watching them. That tension between them as they'd focused on each other seemingly oblivious to the rest of the world. Dutch's little half grin as he'd said,

__

"Right."

The feel of Dutch's hand in his as Vic had shaken his hand saying,

__

"Good job."

"Thanks."

The feel of the smooth skin on Dutch's wrist as Vic had deliberately let his fingertips quickly ghost over the area as their hands had parted. He'd stood watching Dutch walk away then with Claudette, rooted to the spot while everyone else moved on, until they'd disappeared from his sight on the staircase. He'd reminded Dutch of the feelings that lay under the surface for both of them, now all he could do was step back and hope it was enough.

"So if you're mad, get mad

Don't hold it all inside

Come on and talk to me now

Hey, what you got to hide?

I get angry too

Well I'm a lot like you

When you're standing at the crossroads

And don't know which path to choose

Let me come along

'Cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you

I'll stand by you

Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you

Take me in, into your darkest hour

And I'll never desert you

I'll stand by you

"And when…

When the night falls on you, baby

You're feeling all alone

You won't be on your own."

Vic shivered as the night air chilled him. He'd been so lost in thought that he hadn't been paying much attention to what was going on around him. Frowning he watched Jackson, Carlson and Lowe climbing out of the back of a police van, all of them looking shaken. He didn't have any more time to wonder about the unlikely threesome when he saw Dutch leaving The Barn, smiling to acknowledge some more well deserved praise. He hoped this would mean that the other man could finally lay Sally's ghost to rest.

Vic stepped further back into the shadows waiting for Dutch to leave. Dutch started his engine and then paused before breaking down in tears. Vic took several steps forward before stopping himself. Dutch seemed to pull himself together before loosing it again. Vic was torn wanting to go to him, to comfort him but unsure if that was the best thing to do. He didn't want Dutch to think he was following him around, stalking him. He was also pretty convinced that Dutch would be mortified if he thought anyone, especially Vic, had seen him.

Vic could understand a lot of what Dutch was probably feeling though. The release of tension when an important case finally broke, and Vic knew that for Dutch this case had been more important then most. Plus Vic knew the pursuit of Taylor had cost Dutch a lot emotionally. The jokes at his expense from the other guys verging on the malicious and nasty. Vic wondered though if maybe there was a more personal dimension to Dutch's reaction, a deeper hurt that had been brought to the surface?

Whatever the cause it cost Vic a lot to have to stand in the dark and watch Dutch's pain and not be able to help. As he finally watched the red taillights of Dutch's car move away into the night he wished he could be the one Dutch turned to. The one who could offer him support, and understanding, and love. For the first time since he'd seen her Vic was actually glad that Dutch was with someone. Vic was relieved that Dutch had someone to go home to that night, that he wouldn't be alone. Even if it wasn't in his arms that Dutch sought solace.

"I'll stand by you

I'll stand by you

Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you

Take me in, into your darkest hour

And I'll never desert you

I'll stand by you

I'll stand by you

Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you

Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you."


End file.
